Preferred Family Clinic

Helping Children Understand Consequences

Fri 18 Jun 2010 5:32:00 AM GMT

Parents have the responsibility of helping a child learn about future consequences. Anticipating consequences is called ‘wisdom’.

One of the most effective ways to teach this principle is to teach the child “if, then” statements.

For example, an “if, then” statement would be “If you do not clean up your room, then you will receive a time out.”

When we teach a child that there will be a consequence and then follow through, the child learns to make certain choices and those choices will lead to certain consequences.

It is fun to imagine with your child different scenarios and have them guess what the consequence would be for different choices. This ‘guessing game’ can be very fun and extremely enlightening for your child and for you.

For example, you might say:

“What would be the consequence if you decide to smoke?
Play with your little sister for 15 minutes?
Instead of writing a 3 page theme paper for your teacher, write 4?
Swear in class?Don’t brush your teeth?
Say ‘thank you’ often to your mother or teacher?”

This can be one of the most effective ways to teach moral judgement. Remember, don’t lecture, listen.

Warm Regards

Dr. Randy Hyde

Love and Play with your Child

Thu 8 Apr 2010 5:31:00 AM GMT

Love and play with your child. The ability to give and receive love and have close committed relationships is one of the three most important things of life.

Become good at giving love and give it often. If affection is good, abundant affection is a lot better.

Don’t be stingy in showing those you care about that you love them. Children love to play games, be silly, laugh, and hug their parents.

Children grow up in a world with a lots of negative sources telling them they are not good enough. Children who learn believe that their parents love them will can build self-confidence and bond with their parents.

Warm Regards

Dr. Randy Hyde

Parents are the Best Teachers

Tue 30 Mar 2010 5:29:00 AM GMT

Parents are the best people to teach a child the role of consequences in life - both positive and negative. When a parent continues to parent through the child’s resistance, the child will learn three essential lessons:

Respect
Increase in love, bonding, and attachment—the child learns that they can trust you
Cooperation

Electronic Media

Thu 11 Feb 2010 6:28:00 AM GMT

Research showed last week that the average kid spends 53 hours a week with electronic media / entertainment.

Martin Seligman, Ph.D., a premier psychologist and researcher found that to much leisure time creates depression.

Some of the greatest longitudinal research in child psychology out of Harvard University found that there was one thing parents could do to raise happy, healthy, successful kids. This one thing was more powerful than education, intelligence, socioeconomic status or ethnic background. That one thing was: WORK!

We have found that striving, working and accomplishing is essential to happiness and success. I have hired numerous employees and I have found that if I can find a person who worked as a kid, then I have found a goldmine in an employee.

Harvard found that chores, hobbies, sports, musical instruments are all helpful. Now all of this needs to be done in moderation, I have also seen kids who are so busy that they burn-out early in life. Moderation is the key! Kids can have too much leisure time or they can be too busy. Parents, use your best judgement.

Kids learn to be good workers through working; how to be responsible through being responsible. Harvard also found that working outside of the home was more helpful than working in the home. It would be smart for your neighbor to hire your kids to do their yard work and you to hire your neighbor’s kids to do your yard work. Work is powerful in helping to create happy, healthy, successful kids.

Warm Regards,

Dr. Randy Hyde

Where does our Validation come from?

Fri 22 Jan 2010 6:26:00 AM GMT

Externally Validated

We all need validation. Validation means to make something valid, substantiate, or confirmed. Emotional validation boils down to receiving feedback from what we do and say. Everyone wants to be validated; however, there are two types of validation—one is healthy and one is not.

The two types of validation are external validation and internal validation. External validation means we get our confirmation about ourselves from other people. This type of validation is unhealthy and dangerous.

When someone only feels good about themselves if someone else says they are good, then that person is at great risk to have low feelings of self worth. We cannot control what other people say, think, or do. Therefore, our energy should be focused on what we can control—not what we cannot control.

When individuals are externally validated, then they feel about themselves what they perceive others think of them. Many individuals try control validation by intentionally trying to get their bosses attention, thinking of reasons to be alone with the boss, or desperately fish for compliments. This life style becomes exhausting.

We must understand that becoming a better person does not guarantee people will like you. Therefore, learn to be internally validated. If you work hard at work, then you should feel good about your day at work and worry less about what others think. If you are doing best as a parent, then it does not matter what other parents at the park think.

Secret: if you learn to become self-validated, then ironically usually your boss will appreciate you more and others will respect you more because you become a low maintenance acquaintance.

Communication Tips for Parents

Wed 9 Dec 2009 5:18:00 PM GMT

Be available for your children

Notice times when your kids are most likely to talk--for example, at bedtime, beforedinner, in the car--and be available.
Start the conversation; it lets your kids know you care about what's happening intheir lives.
Find time each week for a one-on-one activity with each child, and avoidscheduling other activities during that time.
Learn about your children's interests--for example, favorite music and activities--and show interest in them.
Initiate conversations by sharing what you have been thinking about rather thanbeginning a conversation with a question.

Let Your Kids Know You're Listening

When your children are talking about concerns, stop whatever you are doing and listen.
Express interest in what they are saying without being intrusive.
Listen to their point of view, even if it's difficult to hear.
Let them complete their point before you respond.
Repeat what you heard them say to ensure that you understand them correctly.

Respond in a Way Your Children Will Hear

Soften strong reactions; kids will tune you out if you appear angry or defensive.
Express your opinion without putting down theirs; acknowledge that it's okay to disagree.
Resist arguing about who is right. Instead say, "I know you disagree with me, butthis is what I think."
Focus on your child's feelings rather than your own during your conversation.

Remember

Ask your children what they may want or need from you in a conversation, such asadvice, simply listening, help in dealing with feelings, or help solving a problem.
Kids learn by imitating. Most often, they will follow your lead in how they deal withanger, solve problems, and work through difficult feelings.
Talk to your children--don't lecture, criticize, threaten, or say hurtful things.
Kids learn from their own choices. As long as the consequences are notdangerous, don't feel you have to step in.
Realize your children may test you by telling you a small part of what is botheringthem. Listen carefully to what they say, encourage them to talk, and they mayshare the rest of the story.

Parenting is Hard Work

Listening and talking is the key to a healthy connection between you and yourchildren. But parenting is hard work and maintaining a good connection withteens can be challenging, especially since parents are dealing with many otherpressures. If you are having problems over an extended period of time, you mightwant to consider consulting with a mental health professional to find out how they can help.

Special thanks to:
Dr. Molly Brunk, Center for Public Policy, Virginia Commonwealth University
Dr. Jana Martin, Psychology Regional Network, Los Angeles, California
Dr. Nancy Molitor, Northwestern Health Care, Evanston, Illinois
Dr. Janis Sanchez-Hucles, Old Dominion University, Norfolk, Virginia

Six Myths About Stress

Tue 27 Oct 2009 6:00:00 AM GMT

Six myths surround stress. Dispelling them enables us to understand our problems andthen take action against them. Let's look at these myths.

Myth 1: Stress is the same for everybody.

Completely wrong. Stress is different for each of us. What is stressful for one personmay or may not be stressful for another; each of us responds to stress in an entirelydifferent way.

Myth 2: Stress is always bad for you.

According to this view, zero stress makes us happy and healthy. Wrong. Stress is tothe human condition what tension is to the violin string: too little and the music is dulland raspy; too much and the music is shrill or the string snaps. Stress can be the kiss ofdeath or the spice of life. The issue, really, is how to manage it. Managed stress makesus productive and happy; mismanaged stress hurts and even kills us.

Myth 3: Stress is everywhere, so you can't do anything about it.

Not so. You can plan your life so that stress does not overwhelm you. Effective planninginvolves setting priorities and working on simple problems first, solving them, andthen going on to more complex difficulties. When stress is mismanaged, it's difficult toprioritize. All your problems seem to be equal and stress seems to be everywhere.

Myth 4: The most popular techniques for reducing stress are thebest ones.

Again, not so. No universally effective stress reduction techniques exist. We are alldifferent, our lives are different, our situations are different, and our reactions aredifferent. Only a comprehensive program tailored to the individual works.

Myth 5: No symptoms, no stress.

Absence of symptoms does not mean the absence of stress. In fact, camouflagingsymptoms with medication may deprive you of the signals you need for reducing thestrain on your physiological and psychological systems.

Myth 6: Only major symptoms of stress require attention.

This myth assumes that the "minor" symptoms, such as headaches or stomach acid,may be safely ignored. Minor symptoms of stress are the early warnings that your life isgetting out of hand and that you need to do a better job of managing stress.Adapted from The Stress Solution by Lyle H. Miller, Ph.D., and Alma Dell Smith, Ph.D.